real

Here's a real life update. Warning: there may be plenty of deep emotional and also petty things in this post. And run on sentences.

I turned 30 at the end of May and I'm still trying to accept it. It was a long day but fun because Emily and her kids showed up on my doorstep in the morning to surprise me. She and Jennifer and my mom had put together a gift of 30 things and each had a little note on it that made my day. They are so kind and I felt so loved. Then, in the evening Jake pulled off a small surprise party with some friends that overwhelmed me and made me feel so loved.

I quit my job the first week of June. It wasn't planned and we weren't well prepared for it. I just physically could not go in any more and deal with the drama. I couldn't deal with being told "even if you are working hard it doesn't mean you are accomplishing anything" and just had to get out.

I'm still unemployed and really hope I can find a good job soon.  And I know that decisions have consequences... like the fact that we may not be able to afford our annual trip to Newport Beach next week.

But, I have been so much happier. I have been able to finish some things that I haven't touched for months and have started exercising and eating better. I clean my house now, fold and put the laundry away on the very same day I do it and don't wake up every morning dreading my work day. I'm feeling more balance in life.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few months how much our lives change and that sometimes the nature of those changes cause us to drift apart from people we love. Or to pull back.  At the beginning of this year I pulled back a lot, especially with friends who have children or who are expecting them soon. I am so incredibly happy for them and admire them, but I don't know how many social events I can go to where all I hear is talk about labor and nursing and experiences while being pregnant.
I'm trying to become more engaged and to focus on how exciting those feelings and experiences are for those I love and get over myself.

I can't believe how much was lifted off my shoulders when I quit my job. And how much weight has come crashing down again as I realize that we aren't prepared to live off of one income just yet. And how much that crushes me in thinking that if we can't even live off of one income, we are soo much further than being able to afford more fertility treatments or adoption.

I have wonderful, kind and caring friends. I know we are where we are supposed to be because of the incredible friendships we have found.  I love that all of our weeknights are often filled because of plans with friends. I love that I have now been able to have sewing days with 4 different friends since I have been unemployed and it has been so much fun. I posted two things I have been sewing on Sisterview today.

My husband is wonderful and takes on so many burdens that I, with my protections learned from the Columbine shooting of being able to ignore so many things, don't focus on.

I love going to garage sales and thrift stores. It is so much fun. We have had two friends come with us this summer and were also able to go with my brothers and parents in Colorado, which makes it even more fun.

I've been accomplishing so much more and yet, have so much that I am behind on. If you don't believe me, just go here to see how many weeds I need to pull in my garden.

I've been listening to Brené  Brown's book, Daring Greatly and it is great. If you have never seen her TED talk, you should.  She talks about shame and vulnerability; and I'm feeling extra vulnerable because I'm unemployed and trying to start to eat gluten free to see if it will help with our infertility issues.

Hopefully, in the near future I will have a job that I can start after we get back from our trip to the beach (I have my fingers crossed.) I have an interview tomorrow so say a little prayer for me!

Life is real and raw and hard and wonderful and in the midst of it, we have those around us who are living real lives too who help get us through. I am so thankful for that.