silent

I've been absent from this blog for a while. Life tends to get busy and you end up spending a lot of time on things that need to happen but that aren't necessarily what you would want to be doing.

Jake and I have been married for 4 years now. I love him. My love and appreciation for the man he is grows more each day.  We have had so many wonderful times together and many challenges too. It has been so fun this past year to purchase a home and spend so much of our time working on it.  It is wonderful to plan projects together and to get his help.

It has been fun to work with Jake. Up until this point in our marriage we have seen each other a lot.  We both had jobs working from home and I've also been helping Jake in his insurance office. This is the first time in our marriage where I go to work at my office, he goes to work at his and we don't see each other until the end of the day.  I recognize how unique it has been to see him that much and I am grateful for the opportunities we had that allowed that.

Part of the reason for my silence has been a new job, a busy summer and lack of interesting news to post. 

But part of it has been so much more. 

I turned 29 in May and in a way it has been a season of mourning.  I really am not trying to sound like an overly dramatic person here- I understand that we have been blessed in so many ways and I am so grateful for the life I have. But, at the same time I expected more for my age. I expected to have a child or two, to have finished a graduate degree and to have travelled to Europe or at least lived somewhere new.  If those wishes sound too grand, I also hoped I would be able to better manage my life. To be able to go to work and make dinner in the evening and still clean the house and do the basics. But, in full honesty- I still hate making dinner at the end of my day. 

I'm still not sure what I want to pursue for my education and, to be honest, what scares me more than anything is taking the GRE or GMAT. 

We are here in Logan, UT because it's what we can afford. And although I would have welcomed the adventure of my husband graduating and getting a job somewhere new, he is here building his own business. It's what he wants to do and I'm supporting him, so no amazing traveling adventures are in the near future for us.

We've been trying to have a baby for almost 3 years now. It's a deep desire of ours and we know it is a righteous desire. I am fully aware that many have experienced the same thing and have waited much longer than 3 years. But it's hard either way. We have now been through 2 rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with no luck and no frozen embryos to keep trying.  With a loan for that and the fact that we bought a house and lost a job in the last year (and my husband has started his own business),  we don't have the money to continue. A lot of thought and prayers regarding our next step are happening at the Perschon home.  International adoption is something I want so bad, but not something that we have the money for now. So we wait. 

And I want to spend this waiting time taking advantage of so many things like going back to school and traveling, but the problem is that those all involve the funds to do so, which take away from the funds of paying off bills and adopting.  It is so hard. 

To be honest, it is sometimes so hard to see so many around me having their 3rd and 4th child or being 6 or 7 years younger than me and pregnant. And while I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear the news, I truly am excited for them because I know they will be excellent mothers.  And I am trying so hard to trust in God and to have faith in His time-table.  

That is the hardest part- I know I'm no where near ready. I don't have the skill set to be the greatest Mom in the world yet or to do everything that a mother needs to do. I know I need to reach out to others around me more and focus on them instead of myself. I know I need to exercise more and eat healthier. I know I need to learn more and do more and try new things. But it's so overwhelming to think about all the many areas in which I need to improve and hope that maybe when I master them this prayer will be answered for us. Some days I'm up to the challenge and ready to go to work and some days I'm too tired and discouraged to do it. And most days I know the reality of being human- I may never master them. 

But that's real life. And it's hard for all of us, in so many different ways.  So we keep on going through the discouragement and tears. And though we are sometimes silent, we still have plenty of smiles and laughter mixed in.